So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
