Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
