He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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