i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I cut my penus on the lid.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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