my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
