What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
