Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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