I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
