The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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