I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
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