everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
