I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
