My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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