is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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