i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
