the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Randomize
