I skipped work to stalk him.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize
