the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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