then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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