you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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