We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
