You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
