Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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