Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
