I think I died a long time ago.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
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It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
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I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
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