I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Welp...herpes.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
