You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
