god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
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