I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
My bed smells like the plague
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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