Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
