Already got asked if we're dating
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
