Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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