Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
