When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
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