I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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