Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
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