somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
