That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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