Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
