i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
