It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
