How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
