We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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