I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
