I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
