what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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