Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
