mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
