Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
