I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
