Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
