She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Randomize
