Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
