Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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