How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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