Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
