My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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